Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
