I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
