First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Dick very happy bro
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
