I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
