I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
