I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
