well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
