Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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