So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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