we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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