i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
