My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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