I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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