I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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