i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
