If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
