When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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