Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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