I wanna passion pit in your ass
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
