i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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