where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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