Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
