I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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