I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
