Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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