We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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