if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
