I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
