nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
