It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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