Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
