If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
