my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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