Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
