she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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