i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
