Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
