I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Let the clothes fall where they may.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
