Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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