my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
