I cannot find my penis.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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