she woke up with a sticky ear
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You are a genius and a whore.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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