i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
