my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The air was thick with penises
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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