i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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