So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
