i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
