someone get that fucking seahorse.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
