Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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