It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
